Getting back to the daughter business: you should also regard your son, at least through his adolescence, as more of a daughter to you than a son. And you should, as awkward as it’s going to feel to say so aloud, encourage your son, when he does become sexually active, to stick with mutual masturbation and oral sex for a good, long time-until he’s sure he’s ready for intercourse, not just anxious for it.
Encourage your son to date, to hold hands, to make out. He can take things slow-he should take things slow. Make sure your son understands that he doesn’t have to engage in anal intercourse to be authentically gay, or all grown up, or out.
For instance, SMS, this boy your son is seeing? Have you met him? Meet him. What else can you do? You can hover, scrutinize, interfere-all the crap that parents typically do when their children begin to date. Remember, you can be supportive and be his advocate without signing off on stuff you wouldn’t sign off on for a straight child-indeed, it’s the best way to show your support. No responsible parent would allow his 14-year-old daughter-and that’s how you should think of him for now (more on that in a moment)-to have sleepovers with her slightly older boyfriend, right? So no sleepovers for your gay kid. Treat your son to some of that equal treatment we gay people are always going on about, SMS, and treat him just like you’d treat your 14-year-old straight kid. I think my son is too young for sleepovers with his boyfriend, and I would really like him to wait a couple more years before he gets seriously sexually active, though I expect petting and kissing are givens. We have had the sex talk several times, but I have always assumed a hetero approach. When I asked him if the other students at school would be cool with him bringing a boy, he said, “Who cares?” Bullying is not a huge problem at his school. We live in the South-North Carolina-but our town has a gay community and an annual pride parade. I am worried, though, that my son will get hurt. I am adjusting to a truth I had long suspected. He has a slightly older boyfriend, and they’re going to the school dance on Saturday night.